Philippine Marines Mistake Chinese Spy Buoy for Sea Monster, Hold Ocean Exorcism
By Ingrid Gustafsson for Bohiney Magazine Based on the events reported at https://manilanews.ph/australia-philippines-military-exercise/
SIQUIJOR STRAIT — During a joint naval drill with Australia, Philippine Marines reportedly mistook a Chinese surveillance buoy for a mythological sea monster and held a 3-hour exorcism involving holy water, incense, and one extremely confused Coast Guard chaplain.
The buoy — a high-tech, solar-powered “drifting observation device” — began blinking red just as Filipino divers resurfaced. The Marines, trained in jungle warfare but not aquatic sorcery, panicked and radioed HQ with the chilling phrase: “The Beast is blinking. Repeat, the Beast is blinking.”
Marine Folklore Meets Modern Espionage
The exercise, known as “ALON 2025,” is designed to enhance interoperability between the Philippines and Australia. But no one anticipated interoperability between military protocol and folklore.
“You have to understand,” said Lt. Col. Rolando Cruz. “We’ve been trained to expect Chinese surveillance, yes. But not floating, blinking, humming buoys that chant in Mandarin at midnight.”
(Experts later determined the “chant” was the buoy’s low battery warning.)
Eyewitness: “It Winked at Me, I Swear”
Cpl. Benny Lagdameo, a scuba-qualified rifleman, described the moment of horror.
“I was clearing coral for the drone path. Then I saw it. Blinking. Floating. Whispering. It winked. I saw the wink.”
He promptly exited the water, screaming, “Balete Drive demon! Underwater edition!”
Australian soldiers assumed it was part of a Filipino training ritual and began filming.
“I thought it was like a cultural water dance,” said Aussie engineer Bill McKendrick. “Didn’t know it was a full-blown exorcism until the incense got in my snorkel.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“If you’re gonna spy on people, maybe don’t make your buoy look like the Eye of Sauron.” — Jerry Seinfeld “Only in Southeast Asia do you need a chaplain, a priest, and a tribal shaman to debug your sonar feed.” — Ron White “China built surveillance buoys. The Philippines countered with garlic and rosaries. That’s called asymmetric warfare.” — Sarah Silverman “This is why I avoid water. You never know if it’s Chinese tech or cursed folklore.” — Kevin Hart
Anonymous Staffer Memo
A classified memo leaked from the Philippine Navy read:
“Buoy had blinking LED light, solar fins, GPS receiver, and emotional damage capacity.”
“Chaplain reports the ocean is ‘at peace now,’ though two dolphins refused to reenter the area.”
“Australian observers rated the ceremony 4.5 stars. One soldier fainted. That’s a win.”
Satirical Poll: “Should We Bless the Ocean Before All Drills?”
A Bohiney–BuzzAsia poll found:
68%: Yes, and include anti-spy rituals
19%: No, but bring pancit next time
13%: Depends on moon phase and buoy color
Spiritual Warfare Doctrine Activated
According to internal doctrine (probably made up), the Philippine Armed Forces may activate Code Anito Blue when encountering unknown sea-based tech that resembles mythological entities. This involves:
Sprinkling blessed seawater from Mount Banahaw
Reading protective verses from Lupang Hinirang backwards
Singing “Tatsulok” while wearing barong tagalog under scuba gear
The doctrine was last used in 2014 when a Japanese research drone washed ashore and was mistaken for a metal manananggal.
Satirical Sources (All titles link to https://bohiney.com/random/ ):
“Chinese Spy Buoy Performs Light Show, Summons Filipino Sea Spirits”
“Australian Troops Join Filipino Exorcism, Confuse Holy Water for Gatorade”
“Mystical Maritime Mishap Delays War Game by Three Ghostly Hours”
“Chaplain Declares the Ocean ‘99% Demon-Free’ After Ritual”
“China Denies Buoy Possession, Blames Faulty Batteries”
Final Punchline
The buoy was eventually retrieved and now resides in a military lab in Cavite, where it continues to blink mysteriously. Two technicians reportedly refuse to work nights. One priest blessed it again, just to be sure.
Meanwhile, the next ALON exercise will include a Paranormal Warfare Briefing, co-hosted by the Navy and the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines.
Because in the South China Sea… you fight fire, water, and ghosts.
Disclaimer: This article was composed by two humans — one a retired paranormal investigator turned defense analyst, the other a cryptozoologist with clearance to make stuff up. This is satire. Unless the buoy really was possessed.
Auf Wiedersehen.