By 2030, Coastlines Will Surf While Heartlands Nap: 99% of Jobs Gone in U.S. and U.K.
LOS ANGELES & CORNWALL — Economists now confirm that by 2030, 99% of jobs will vanish across America and Britain. While inland farmers polish their rocking chairs, coastal dwellers are waxing their surfboards.
Professor Roman Yampolskiy, who predicted the collapse, explained: “AI will wipe out every job, everywhere. The only difference between Kansas and Cornwall is whether you drown in unemployment or just in seawater.”
The U.S.: Surfboards vs. Cornfields
In California, surfers cheered the report. Venice Beach residents celebrated with paddle-outs, chanting: “No jobs, no problem!”
Meanwhile, in Kansas, unemployed farmers tried to surf on irrigation ditches. “It’s not a wave, but it’s unemployment-friendly,” one farmer explained.
A satirical Gallup poll found:
44% of coastal Americans plan to surf full-time.
39% of inland Americans plan to nap full-time.
17% confessed they already do both.
The U.K.: Seagulls vs. Sheep
In Cornwall, fishermen reported their jobs lost to AI trawlers, but at least the surf schools are booming. One witness said: “Robots can catch fish, but they don’t look good in a wetsuit.”
In Yorkshire, shepherds complained their sheep now follow drones instead of dogs. “The sheep say the drones have better banter,” one farmer admitted.
Fake polling showed:
51% of Cornish locals said they’ll become surf instructors.
34% of Yorkshire residents said they’ll host “sarcasm festivals.”
15% said they’ll just stare at the rain.
Government “Solutions”
Congress proposed the “National Nap Initiative” for inland states and the “Federal Surf Subsidy” for coastal states.
Westminster floated the “Tea for the North, Surf for the South” Act. An anonymous staffer leaked a memo titled “Redistributing Waves to Yorkshire.”
Eyewitness Testimony
Iowa farmer: “My tractor AI entered the state fair pie contest. It won. I retired.”
Cornish surfer: “AI took my fishing boat, but I get more tips teaching robots how to wipe out.”
Nebraska rancher: “I tried surfing a stock tank. Broke my hip, but at least I didn’t break my unemployment.”
Scottish Highlander: “We don’t need waves. We’ll just drink until we imagine them.”
Everyday Life in 2030
Inland towns across the U.S. and U.K. have already adapted:
Kansas: county fairs replaced with “Longest Nap Competitions.”
Yorkshire: job centers rebranded as sarcasm academies.
Iowa: churches now double as “Employment Nostalgia Museums.”
Coastal regions, meanwhile, thrive in jobless bliss:
California: unemployment offices issue free surf wax.
Cornwall: unemployment benefits paid in Cornish pasties.
Brighton: official currency switched to ice cream cones.
Academic Commentary
Dr. Linda Harper of Harvard explained: “Coastal communities benefit from surfing as a GDP-neutral activity. Inland communities benefit from napping, which conserves resources for no reason at all.”
Professor Nigel Thistlethwaite of Oxford added: “Britain’s unemployment split will be geographic: Southerners will surf, Northerners will sigh. This is the natural order.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“By 2030, Nebraska will host the world’s first inland surfing competition in a cornfield.” “Yorkshire unemployment will be measured in teabags per person.” “Coastal unemployment sounds sexy, inland unemployment sounds sad.” “The Midwest will invent nap rodeos — eight seconds of sleep on a mechanical bull.” “Cornwall will export surfboards, Yorkshire will export sarcasm.”
Cause and Effect
Cause: AI destroys all jobs. Effect: Coastal humans surf, inland humans nap.
Secondary Effect: By 2030, world maps will be redrawn: blue zones for surfing, gray zones for boredom.
Closing Wave
By 2030, unemployment won’t look the same everywhere. In Los Angeles and Cornwall, jobless crowds will ride waves. In Kansas and Yorkshire, they’ll ride rocking chairs. Robots will run the world. Humans will run out of excuses.
As one unemployed farmer told reporters: “If we can’t work, at least we can sleep. But if the robots take naps too, then we’re screwed.”
Full news here: https://bohiney.com/the-99-unemployment-era/
Auf Wiedersehen.