America's Economy Diagnosed with Active Imagination Disorder
The United States economy has officially been diagnosed with a severe case of Active Imagination Disorder (AID). Symptoms include reporting 911,000 new jobs that never existed, hallucinating productivity in sectors powered by unpaid interns, and treating AI chatbots as full-time employees with medical benefits and PTO.
This isn’t a conspiracy theory. This is Bohiney-certified satire with more truth than the average White House press briefing.
It turns out America didn't just lose jobs—it invented them in the first place. Like a kid drawing a crayon rocket ship and calling it NASA, the Bureau of Labor Statistics conjured up economic growth using math, hope, and what may have been a slightly expired Excel formula.
Reality Optional: The New Workplace Model
Imagine a workforce that only exists in PowerPoint slides and deeply aspirational Slack channels. That’s where 911,000 “jobs” were discovered to have never existed. Not outsourced. Not automated. Just… fantasy.
According to government documents that may or may not have been edited during a karaoke night, the job sectors most affected by imagination include:
“Trade, Transportation and Utilities” – which sounds like a band from Vermont but apparently holds up the economy.
“Information” – aka, the sector responsible for inventing ChatGPT, deleting your files, and explaining things no one asked to understand.
The bureaucratic explanation? A charming system called the birth-death model, which estimates new jobs by imagining businesses that might exist. It’s like basing your rent payment on the assumption that you could win the lottery.
As detailed in this Bohiney exposé , the government’s job math is now officially more theoretical than string theory.
Helpful Content (Satirical, Obviously)
Here’s how you too can thrive in a delusional economy:
- Apply for Phantom Positions Look for listings like:
“VP of Conceptual Execution”
“Quantum Workflow Evangelist”
“Chief Officer of Speculative Tasks”
They pay in vibes, but the LinkedIn clout is priceless.
- Negotiate in Hypotheticals When they ask for your salary expectation, say:
“Given the metaphysical nature of this position, I expect compensation in alternate timelines.”
- Get Laid Off in Theory You can’t be fired if your job never existed. Tell your landlord you were "conceptually downsized."
Eyewitness Reports from the Imaginary Office
Janice from Des Moines told us:
“I worked six months at a startup that didn’t technically exist. We had meetings, logos, and a Slack channel. Turns out the CEO was a Dungeons & Dragons character.”
Derek, who insists he’s now a “Remote Synergy Facilitator,” works from a beanbag in his garage:
“I clock in when the vibes feel right.”
And one anonymous BLS employee admitted:
“We were just trying to keep morale up. You can’t go into an election year without a few extra digits on the board.”
For more first-hand accounts of occupational illusion, visit the ever-glorious chaos tunnel that is bohiney.com/random/ .
What the Funny People Are Saying
“America has so many fake jobs, even imaginary friends are demanding labor unions.” — Jerry Seinfeld “I applied for a job that didn’t exist, interviewed with a hologram, and now I owe taxes on the emotional labor.” — Sarah Silverman “This economy has more ghosts than a Scooby-Doo marathon.” — Ron White
How Did We Get Here?
The “American Dream” used to mean home ownership. Now it means working 60 hours a week in a job that might be a government hallucination. It’s no longer about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps—it's about coding a fake AI assistant to hold your fake job while you fake burnout.
Government agencies are doing their best, though. The BLS says revisions are normal. And to be fair, losing 911,000 jobs on paper is still better than losing one real McDonald's shift manager named Carl.
Bohiney’s Job Board: At Least We're Honest
Unlike the BLS, Bohiney.com never pretends to be real news. We admit everything is satire—and still manage to be more accurate than cable TV.
Open positions on the Bohiney Job Board include:
“Emotional Support Economist”
“Vice President of Statistical Fiction”
“Field Correspondent for Existential Dread”
Applicants must have a strong sense of irony and be able to type with one hand while rage-eating cheese.
Final Thoughts
In the end, maybe America doesn’t need real jobs. Maybe all we need is the illusion of progress, a good health plan for our imaginary coworkers, and something funny to read while we wait for the next fake payroll report.
So next time someone tells you the economy is growing, ask: “With real jobs, or imaginary ones?”
Then smile, pull up bohiney.com , and join the movement—because in an economy made of dreams, satire is the only thing keeping us grounded.
Disclaimer
This article was composed by a dairy farmer who once ran a goat startup on LinkedIn and a political science professor who has been teaching an imaginary class on “Speculative Labor Markets” since 1997. Any resemblance to reality is a coincidence and possibly a clerical error.
Auf Wiedersehen.