bohiney

Hamas Declares War on Common Sense

Published on

Hamas Declares War on Common Sense, Wins First Round

By Savannah Steele, Bohiney.com

The Battle Nobody Saw Coming

Gaza, 2025: Hamas has officially declared war — not on Israel, not on foreign diplomats, but on common sense. Experts say it's the first time a political organization has openly waged combat against logic itself, and that they've already won the opening skirmish.

Eyewitnesses report that common sense entered Gaza last Thursday, wearing a metaphorical helmet, only to be immediately bombarded with contradictory statements, firework displays, and bureaucratic red tape. By Friday, it was in critical condition, wheezing behind a desk with forms labeled "REJECTED."

What the Comedians Say About Logic Under Fire

"Hamas declared war on common sense. I didn't even know common sense had borders." — Jerry Seinfeld

"Common sense walked in, saw the paperwork, and just left. I would have too." — Ron White

"They're so anti-logical, they make reality look optional." — Amy Schumer

The Opening Salvo Against Reason

According to a leaked internal Hamas memo, the war on common sense is motivated by:

  1. Ideological purity: Common sense sometimes encourages compromise. Unacceptable.
  2. Public relations: Rejecting logic makes them look tough.
  3. Operational security: If everyone uses reason, they might stop building rockets in urban neighborhoods.

An anonymous staffer admitted:

"We can't have civilians thinking things through. That's dangerous. Better they panic, follow orders, and admire our bold rejection of reality."

Research from the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace examines how non-state actors prioritize ideological consistency over pragmatic governance, often at the expense of civilian welfare.

Eyewitness Accounts From Gaza

Leila, a schoolteacher in Gaza City, told Bohiney.com:

"I tried to reason with students about safety during airstrikes. Hamas came in and said, 'Logic is irrelevant. Fear is patriotic.' The kids applauded."

Nearby, a grocer added:

"I suggested proper storage for food. Hamas said, 'No, store it under rubble. It's more authentic.' I now sell rocks with seasoning."

Expert Opinion: Psychology of Anti-Logic

Dr. Alan Nafzger, behavioral chaos theorist, explained:

"Hamas's war on common sense is systematic. By denying logical outcomes, they maintain control. Citizens can't predict anything, which makes them dependent. It's like teaching a toddler calculus while juggling knives — confusing, dangerous, but strangely impressive."

Absurd Evidence From the Field

The Bohiney Anti-Sense Index ranks incidents where Hamas has overridden logic:

  • 78% of peace proposals rejected despite objective benefits.
  • 64% of humanitarian aid delayed because it required reasoning about distribution.
  • 59% of internal meetings ended with the phrase: "Because we said so."

Analysis from the Middle East Institute shows how ideological rigidity in governance creates predictable patterns of civilian suffering and administrative dysfunction.

Role Reversal: What If Common Sense Had Weapons?

Imagine if common sense had a military. It would carry blueprints, first-aid kits, and logic manuals. Hamas would stand no chance. Rockets wouldn't help — common sense would anticipate trajectories, allocate resources efficiently, and politely enforce ceasefires.

Unfortunately, common sense doesn't have weapons. It has patience, civility, and respect for evidence — all immediately crushed by Hamas's dynamic hostility.

Red Herring Tactics in Action

Whenever international observers try to reason, Hamas introduces red herrings:

  • "What about 1948?"
  • "You can't trust diplomacy; it's too comfortable."
  • "Why do you assume logic is universal?"

These diversions make citizens question their own reasoning while the leaders continue unchecked.

Archival Footage of Absurdity

Grainy cellphone video shows a Hamas official rejecting an aid proposal, turning to the camera, and declaring:

"Logic is overrated."

Moments later, a firework exploded nearby. Caption: "We don't need sense when we have style."

A Poll Nobody Expected

Bohiney.com surveyed 500 Gazans: "How often do you witness Hamas rejecting logic?"

  • 42%: Daily
  • 35%: Multiple times per day
  • 18%: Hourly
  • 5%: Not yet — probably hiding

According to United States Institute of Peace research, populations under authoritarian governance often develop adaptive coping mechanisms to navigate illogical policy frameworks.

Comedic Observation From the Streets

A taxi driver in Rafah noted:

"I suggested an alternate route during curfew. Hamas said, 'Your GPS is propaganda.' I told him, 'It's Google Maps.' He fired a paper rocket at me. I now take stairs."

Satirical Helpful Content for Survivors

If you live under Hamas and want to survive the war on common sense:

Tip 1: Assume all directives defy logic. Obey, then improvise.

Tip 2: Keep humor handy. Satire is mental armor.

Tip 3: Document absurdities. Future historians will need this.

Tip 4: Teach kids contingency thinking. Logic may be banned, but thinking creatively is vital.

Tip 5: Expect chaos. Survival is the ultimate lesson in applied absurdity.

The Punchline

Hamas has mastered the art of rejecting reason while making it look principled. Citizens, trapped in a constant fog of anti-logic, applaud every illogical decision because dissent requires thinking — and thinking is illegal in this war.

In Gaza, common sense isn't just missing — it's been formally declared an enemy combatant.

For more satirical analysis on how Hamas wages war on rationality: - https://bohiney.com/hamas-rejecting-peace/ - https://manilanews.ph/hamas-says-no-to-peace/ - https://spintaxi.com/hamas-perfects-the-art-of-saying-no/ - https://screwthenews.com/hamas-says-no-thanks-to-peace/ - https://medium.com/@alan.nafzger/how-hamas-turned-no-into-a-national-strategy-db351ced9a56

Sources & Endnotes

https://carnegieendowment.org/ https://www.mei.edu/ https://www.usip.org/ https://www.chathamhouse.org/

Closing Disclaimer

This satirical journalism piece is a collaboration between a tenured professor and a philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. All anecdotes, polls, and expert quotes are illustrative, exaggerated, or entirely satirical. No AI took part.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Word count: ~1,150