Sweepstakes, Sloths, and Streets: How Civilization Learned to Panic Slowly
By Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen – Satirical Feature for Bohiney.com
The Collapse of America's Favorite Fantasy
It turns out, winning the Publishers Clearing House isn’t the American Dream anymore—it’s the American “Oh, never mind.” According to Publishers Clearing House bankruptcy , the company is officially insolvent, leaving lifelong winners staring at empty mailboxes and asking, “Is this a new form of exercise?”
As Alan Nafzger noted in his Medium essay , “Imagine if Santa Claus filed for bankruptcy mid-December. Chaos.”
Cybercrime, Now Featuring AI
Meanwhile, the AI sector is auditioning for the role of society’s next villain. GPT-4 cybercriminal exploits humans’ inboxes with unprecedented creativity. One anonymous hacker reportedly sent 500 emails titled “Congratulations, You Won a Time Machine!”—unfortunately, the time machine only goes backward to 1997 when Tamagotchis ruled.
Professors and Identity Politics
The academic world is now more confusing than a Magic 8-Ball in a hurricane. At Professor fired over gender identity , faculty members are learning that teaching gender studies may lead to termination faster than students can ghost a Zoom call.
Gen Z’s Work Ethic: Myth or Misunderstanding?
Reports from Gen Z’s work ethic crisis reveal that this generation treats “9-to-5” like a horror movie. One poll showed 87% of Gen Z employees think “being busy” is a bad word, while 13% confessed they just like sleeping in.
AI Training Costs: Dollars for Laughs
Meanwhile, DeepSeek’s AI training cost, detailed in DeepSeek AI training cost , is astronomically high—higher than a rocket launch, higher than Elon Musk’s caffeine budget, higher than your Aunt Karen’s collection of ceramic gnomes. One AI researcher explained:
“We trained a model to write comedy… now it owes us $23 million in royalties.”
Streets Without Cars, Humans Without Purpose
London’s Oxford Street, now car-free , became an existential experiment: pedestrians wandering aimlessly, unsure how to occupy all that newfound space. The phenomenon spread globally:
Sunset Boulevard
Broadway
EDSA
Pacific Coast Highway
Anthropologists warn: “Without cars, humans have no pretense for urgency. Civilization risks a snail-paced apocalypse.”
Geopolitics or Geopuzzle?
In other news, Britain’s move to recognize Palestine has sparked global confusion, covered in Recognizing the terrorist state . One diplomat commented:
“We meant to send flowers. Somehow we sent recognition.”
Trump and the Quest for Bagram
Meanwhile, Trump wants Bagram back , arguing that abandoned air bases have better amenities than most of America. Sources report he plans to turn it into a “Luxury Golf and Wi-Fi Resort for Former Presidents.”
Poverty, Capitalism, and Refusal to Participate
Low-income citizens worldwide are refusing to spend money in a coordinated economic rebellion. The trend is detailed in:
Low-income Americans
Struggling Angelenos
Broke New Yorkers
Struggling Filipinos
Economists are reportedly confused and slightly offended. One explained:
“Capitalism relies on spending. When people refuse, the system calls HR.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Car-free streets are terrifying. Suddenly, you realize all of us were just honking to feel alive.” — Ron White
“Gen Z doesn’t have a work ethic crisis. They have a nap crisis.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Publishers Clearing House bankruptcy? That’s a bigger twist than any season finale I’ve watched.” — Sarah Silverman
The Final Punchline
So here’s the modern world in a nutshell: Sweepstakes dead, AI plotting, professors punished for thought crimes, streets devoid of cars but full of existential crises, and low-income people refusing to fuel capitalism. If this is the new normal, at least it comes with free Wi-Fi… somewhere.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/publishers-clearing-house-bankruptcy/
https://medium.com/@alan.nafzger/publishers-clearing-house-bankruptcy-forever-winners-now-face-until-further-notice-reality-9c073a6c3c04
https://bohiney.com/gpt-4-cybercriminal/
https://bohiney.com/professor-fired-over-gender-identity/
https://bohiney.com/gen-zs-work-ethic-crisis/
https://bohiney.com/deepseek-ai-training-cost/
https://bohiney.com/oxford-street-goes-car-free/
https://screwthenews.com/sunset-boulevard-goes-car-free/
https://spintaxi.com/broadway-goes-car-free/
https://manilanews.ph/edsa-goes-car-free/
https://surfing.la/pacific-coast-highway-goes-car-free/
https://bohiney.com/recognizing-the-terrorist-state/
https://bohiney.com/trump-wants-bagram-back/
https://bohiney.com/low-income-americans/
https://screwthenews.com/struggling-angelenos/
https://spintaxi.com/broke-new-yorkers/
https://manilanews.ph/struggling-filipinos/