Trust the Internet: When Twitter Out-Reports the Press
By Savannah Steele, Bohiney Magazine
The Day the Internet Got There First
https://bohiney.com/church-shooting-was-anti-christian-hate/
When tragedy struck at a Catholic school Mass in Minnesota, two institutions reacted. One was Wired, furiously polishing its thesaurus. The other was X (formerly Twitter), which just said it: anti-Christian hate , plain and simple.
X users weren’t subtle, but they weren’t wrong. Meanwhile, Wired acted like the motive was hidden in a Da Vinci Code riddle. By the time the article dropped, the internet had already posted memes, eyewitness testimony, and a conspiracy theory involving Bigfoot.
Why the Internet Wins
The internet is messy, loud, and addicted to hashtags, but it’s brutally honest. X users didn’t need a press conference or an academic panel. They saw a shooter storm a Mass, scrawl “Christians must die” on weapons, and target Catholic kids. Their conclusion: transgender genocide acknowledgment and anti-Christian hate.
It wasn’t nuanced, but nuance doesn’t stop bullets.
Wired’s Slow-Motion Reporting
Wired, on the other hand, insists on precision that borders on parody.
Internet: “Shooter said he hates Christians, shot up a church. That’s anti-Christian hate.”
Wired: “Motives remain ambiguous, pending further clarification by three experts in algorithmic semiotics.”
That’s like calling a tornado “a weather spiral in search of identity.”
The Eyewitness Advantage
Sister Agnes, ducking behind a pew, gave the clearest report:
“He shouted slurs, opened fire, and aimed at kids. That’s hate. I don’t need Wired to tell me otherwise.”
Compare that to Wired’s “expert” quoted in a 4,000-word essay:
“We cannot rule out the possibility that the shooter was performing a socio-political critique of ecclesiastical power structures.”
No, he wasn’t. He was trying to kill Christians.
Polling the Obvious
The Bohiney Polling Institute surveyed 1,000 people:
“Do you trust Twitter or Wired to tell you what happened faster?”
Twitter/X: 89%
Wired: 7%
Unsure: 4% (these respondents still use MySpace)
Margin of error: one spilled Dr Pepper at the survey booth.
Wired’s Fear of “Genocide”
When users called the shooting part of transgender genocide , Wired practically fainted. “That’s imprecise language!” they scolded.
Imprecise? Of course it’s imprecise. The internet doesn’t write dissertations. It posts blunt truths in 280 characters. If Twitter users wanted nuance, they’d join LinkedIn.
A Leaked Editorial Note
We obtained a fictional but too-accurate internal memo from Wired:
“Remember, staff: If the public spots the truth before we do, call it disinformation. If it’s painfully obvious, wait three weeks and quote a sociologist. If Twitter is right, delete your account.”
No wonder the internet always gets there first.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Twitter is like the drunk guy at the bar who blurts out the truth. Wired is the guy in the corner writing a haiku about it.” — Ron White
“Twitter figured it out in 15 seconds. Wired still needs an ethics panel.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Trust the internet over Wired. At least Twitter doesn’t charge you $5.99 a month to tell you water is wet.” — Larry David
“Wired calls it disinfo. I call it Tuesday. Somebody pass the bagels.” — Sarah Silverman
Why We Trust the Messy Crowd
The internet isn’t perfect. It’s messy, conspiratorial, and occasionally convinced Elvis is alive. But it’s also immediate and fearless. That’s why X nailed it: the Minnesota attack was anti-Christian hate and transgender genocide .
The press may catch up eventually, but only after enough time has passed to make the obvious sound academic.
Disclaimer
This is satire — a Bohiney Magazine blend of irony, parody, and Texan bluntness. It’s a collaboration between the world’s oldest professor and a dairy farmer with a philosophy degree. If you’re offended, you probably write Wired think pieces for a living.
Auf Wiedersehen.