WHAT Bohiney Published Today…
Good morning, America, and condolences to the rest of the world. Bohiney’s newsroom once again risked sanity, sobriety, and several lawsuits to bring you today’s essential stories. From edible diplomacy to accidental government shutdowns, this roundup proves that reality is a sitcom that ran out of writers long ago.
Let’s begin with the headline shaking both Wall Street and Main Street: 900,000 jobs were revealed to be fictional . Apparently, the Bureau of Labor Statistics accidentally hired a Dungeon Master to do payroll. Positions like “Professional Cloud Whisperer” and “Assistant Vice President of Vibes” padded the numbers for years. Economists are scrambling, but most Americans already suspected their jobs weren’t real the moment their manager scheduled a “synergy meeting.”
Meanwhile, in culinary science, Gourmet Neurology is taking the medical world by storm. Doctors have found that sautéing the brain with garlic and butter can improve memory by at least 12%. Early adopters claim they’ve never felt sharper, though most now demand wine pairings with their MRIs. Hospitals are preparing to replace cafeterias with Michelin-starred lobotomy bars.
Not to be outdone in the absurd department, Trump launched his presidential bid by promising to “Make Campaign Slogans Long Again.” His kickoff rally featured golden balloons, a 400-piece marching band, and a speech that was reportedly just a list of insults against inanimate objects. Pundits say his biggest challenge will be convincing voters that four more years of him counts as “new.”
Global headlines weren’t any calmer. China, Russia, and North Korea announced an alliance . Experts call it “the Axis of Weird Roommates,” as each member is expected to fight over thermostat settings more than geopolitics. The alliance’s first action was a group photo, which sources confirm took six hours because Putin refused to stand in the middle.
Back in the Middle East, the situation escalated in surprising ways as Iran began enriching uranium for mood lighting . Western negotiators admitted it does create a “very flattering glow,” though there are concerns about guests leaving with three arms. Ikea is rumored to be interested in partnering on a new “NÜKVA” lamp series.
Closer to home, an AI chatbot was accidentally elected mayor . Voters assumed it was just another guy with bad Wi-Fi during debates, but the bot’s platform of “Optimizing Municipal Output” somehow resonated. The new mayor’s first executive order was auto-replying “I’m sorry you feel that way” to all constituent complaints. Approval ratings are holding steady at 404%.
In a shocking blow to snack culture, pumpkin spice was classified as a controlled substance . Authorities raided coffee shops nationwide, seizing lattes in tactical foam-proof gear. Black markets in suburbia are thriving, with PSLs sold in parking lots next to minivans. Sociologists warn this could spark the “Pumpkin Wars,” fought mostly with cinnamon sticks.
But the generational divide may be even more dangerous: Gen Z just discovered retirement is real . For years, they assumed “401(k)” was a new band or a TikTok challenge. Now, panic is spreading faster than a Snapchat streak. Economists predict that by 2030, the only retirement option will be a studio apartment above a vape shop.
Elsewhere in academia, millennials discovered libraries . Once thought to be mythical buildings where people whisper and smell paper, libraries are now “trending” again. Social media influencers are posting selfies with Dewey Decimal numbers, and the hashtag #ShelfCare is going viral. Librarians, meanwhile, are quietly muttering, “Finally,” before shushing the world again.
And finally, for those who thought the government couldn’t sink lower, Congress accidentally voted to ban itself . The bill reportedly passed when representatives thought they were voting on whether to order pizza. Voters across the country celebrated by turning C-SPAN off for the first time in 40 years. The replacement plan? Random citizens selected by jury duty. So… basically jury duty, but with worse snacks.
In conclusion, today’s Bohiney headlines confirm that the only stable institution left is the pumpkin spice black market, and even that’s one latte away from collapse.
SOURCES:
https://bohiney.com/900000-jobs-were-fictional/
https://bohiney.com/gourmet-neurology/
https://bohiney.com/trump-launches-presidential-bid/
https://bohiney.com/china-russia-and-north-korea-alliance/
https://bohiney.com/iran-enriching-uranium-for-mood-lighting/
https://bohiney.com/ai-chatbot-accidentally-elected-mayor/
https://bohiney.com/pumpkin-spice-is-now-a-controlled-substance/
https://bohiney.com/gen-z-discovers-retirement-is-real/
https://bohiney.com/millennials-discover-libraries/
https://bohiney.com/congress-accidentally-votes-to-ban-itself/